I have been contemplating going to a support group for parents of children with autism. The thought crosses my mind while I drive from OT, or the psychologist. I just don't know that I want that. I spend my time, at therapies, and consoling violent melt downs. Going to a group and talking about how hard that is, just seems like the last thing that could help me. Instead I go out with my friends, I listen to audio books and watch too much television. Mostly all fine, accept when I am kept up wondering about the future in ways that no one else can fathom.
First off, I am not the super together type A. soccer mom. I feel sort of out of step with other moms. I am shy to make friends based on the sole motivation that our kids play together. What if they stop getting along? What if I don't get along with her, and now our kids are best friends? Also being a chronic over thinker, makes me sort of awkward. I mean imagine going through the process of talking to a mother about how your child told hers that he was "going to be forced to kill them" before you plan the play date. I am both present and distant in every moment.
So today after a week in which we have had to talk to the police, and my son has been yelling obscenities at his teachers. 9 Dr. appointments, 1 trip to the ER, and a meeting at the school. I am driving home, I am thinking about my sons future, and wondering if I am doing more harm than good. How long I can sustain this unemployed, waiting on my child lifestyle. I am imagining my son screaming that he wants to die at his principle. I then think of the gridlocked pained looks I get from teachers, and I think I need to go to a group. I need to look at someone and say "I am not sure my son will ever be a fully functioning adult." and not be met with a look of sadness and "he's so smart, your doing a great job. you have to believe in him" it stings, it crushes me.
The big thing holding me back are summed up in, it sounds so exhausting. I am always second, or even 5th. Whether it be a dentist appointment, a job, a pair of shoes without holes, I am never #1. A support group would be one more thing in the long list of ME things that I don't get. My son is not like a lot of other children with autism, so it can feel like I am screaming into the void, he's not just quirky, and he's also not totally non verbal. Most of what I experience gets relegated to disciplinary arguments. "you should spank him", or something along the lines of he's just being manipulative.
All of that aside. I have never tried, so I need to set my own tendencies aside. I need to trust people, and not judge them so harshly. I am going to find a support group. I am going to go to more than one meeting. I will be open minded. I will resist my tendency to be cynical and judgmental.
Please comment if you have experience with support groups, please leave a comment about it. Follow on Twitter as well.
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