Part of Parenting; Forgiving Yourself for Mistakes You Will Make

Recently I have been contemplating homeschooling my son with autism.  There are many things that would be better about my life were I to do that, and even more things would be better for him.  By the end of the summer hes stable and we have stopped being at war about everything.  He almost seems ok.  Then school starts and everything is terrible, I feel like he is devolving, reeling.  By the time he levels out there is a break and everything falls apart again.   I have even been directed by the psychologist that he sees says that the stability of being home would beefit him as long as he was having social interactions.  I am only concerned that I personally am not up to the task of spending that much time with him.

Recently I had a revelation regarding this situation.  The challenges and the over all benefit of this idea are great, and I think on a day to day basis the sense that I cant do it, or that its the best thing I have ever done will battle it out.  What follows is not an example of my best parenting, and I hope that you can handle that.  We screw up, its pretty much what being a parent is, the key is that I owned my screw up, I admitted he wasn't crazy and I still held to the expectations I had established. So heres what happened  

Its Friday afternoon and I am crying on the couch because I just totally lost control with my kid.  I sprayed with a squirt bottle. because he has been suspended from school, he has a messy room and he went to sleep instead of cleaning or doing his school work. I had just spoken to the school and confirmed he couldn't go to an event that he helped plan because he had been suspended for hitting someone. I was heartbroken for him and crying and I went into his room to tell him and he was asleep.  It was like bombs were going off in my heart.  I am arguing with the school for this kid who just wants to nap and not do any of his work.  I initially interpreted it as a personal affront.  That sense of loss and sadness just blew up.  Unfortunately the 9 year old was the recipient.

This digressed into a nasty rage filled fight. Where he asserts  I obviously dont love him and I retort that he obviously was never planning on listening to my instructions. Then I was the meanest person that ever lived, and I cant imaging following through with this online school hes waitlisted for because he wont ever do anything but sleep all day.  In the midst of that I realized I was getting caught up.  I was emotional. In that moment I looked across the room and saw his audiobook that was blaring.  I stopped. I wrote a list of exactly what he needed to do and told him that if he was half way done in an hour he could have the audiobook back. Then, I walked away, I established his want, and it was up to him to fulfill that want.

It took about 10 minutes, and he came out and got a snack, then in another 10 minutes he came out and said, "I am going to do my homework first because I want to read the book.  Then I will clean my room"  my response "are you apologizing?"  he confirmed that this was an apology and I apologized as well. We hugged and he began working through his list.  Then my friend offered to bring a video game over so I offered that and the rest of the day was pretty smooth.  I  have to recognize that I created that situation.  I am the adult, I know him and I can fairly readily predict how things might work out in a given situation.

Sooo...why am I not expecting the school to do that as well?  I mean he made it through 3 days of a substitute and then had one incident in a busy lunch room.  As a his mom I want to high 5 him and tell him he rocked those unexpected circumstances and yet I am left to also not be able to dismiss his behavior as it got him suspended.  But then when they say that he ran away from teachers 5 times this week.  To which I think still progress hes not cussing.  He has openly told teachers "F-you" and said he would cut their heads off.  He ran away 5 times as opposed to getting so frustrated with them he uses obscenities but no one notices because he ran away and thats not safe.  Anyhow I digress, thats not actually my point. Still so frustrating.  My point is that maybe I am capable of both.  I can weather the storms and help him have less of them.

There were a number of things I forgot as a parent.  I forgot to center myself before I went to speak with him in the first place, I forgot to go into that room with a plan, and I forgot to let go.  I was never going to get him to clean his room or do his school work by the force of my will, but rather the force of his own will and his own wants. All of this is forgivable, its essentially the crux of parenting, always being on a tight rope over a really excited crowd.  I could have easily just been mad that he wasn't listening and spent my whole day fighting with him and never made any progress, I was willing to shift gears.

A major take away form this is that where the school gives up or exacerbates his fragile emotional stability,  I am able to help him recover namely by acknowledging my own failings..  My child is left to feel unheard and rejected in school, and while they insist its just school policy none of the other students seem to be disciplined. I never hear about other students being suspended, and I feel like I can do better than them.  This may be my own personal act of hubris, but I am diving in. I am going to write a curriculum (which I am capable of doing) and I am going to homeschool my kid while we wait for him to get into online school.

Sidenote.  Please comment and email if you have any suggestions on home schooling I am totally open.

kimmymidnight@gmail.com

Can we Not "Miggery Sow" Taxes. Please

In the children's book The Tale of Despereux by Kate DiCamillo there is a character named Miggery Sow.  Miggery Sow is a young servant who kidnaps the princess for a rat, and believes she is going to become a princess herself the plan was admittedly bad.  This is how DiCamillo describes the efficacy of the plan.

No one would ever, not for one blind minute, mistake Mig for the princess or the princess for Mig. But Miggery Sow, as I pointed out to you before, was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And, reader, too, she wanted so desperately to become a princess. She wanted, oh, how she wanted. And it was because of this terrible wanting that she was able to believe in Roscuro's plan with every ounce of her heart. (36.24)

Mig really tried to go through with  this plan, she really wanted to believe and the Roscuro the rat was also very committed to her going through with it. Remember how Republicans passed a sweeping tax reform a few weeks ago?  Remember that? I have a vague recollection that there was this tax thing I think they were happy about. So if you recall that I don't need to go over all details.  I cant say what the outcome will be but I can say that the GOP cant really talk about anything other then how good this thing no one wanted is.  Paul Ryan continues to tweet how happy we should all be about this. Why is he doing this?  Possibly because he cannot let us for a second forget the feeling of being Mig.  He hopes that he can talk about taxes until he wins reelection.

As soon as the bill was passed, companies started giving out bonuses and the GOP slurped up that propaganda opportunity.  Crediting the passage of the tax bill as the cause of those bonuses and what's good bill it is.  You know how a Dr. gives a baby something to suck on while they get a shot as a distraction. Yeah that's what just happened.  Most of those companies gave bonuses and then laid people off the next day.  Also the bill passed and they gave out bonuses when they wont see the impacts until 2018 tax season.  Again, remember Miggery Sow?  How times do they have to tell us this is what we want before we believe it?


Multiple people have posited to me that we are seeing the success of the bill. "We have a great new tax plan with lots of cuts" they say as an argument to not complaining so much about POTUS. Um, come again?  So anyone who is a working adult understands that what the bill going to in effect on Jan, 1, 2018 means is this when we go to file taxes in 2019, it will be  for the 2018 tax year. So the tax bill is working like snake oil.  I need it to stop this is so painful to watch people argue this, and I know Paul Ryan is like a dog with a bone so he can get reelected before people realize what hes done, but stop drinking the snake oil.  If snake oil is not a relevant reference for you how about stop drinking the Koolaid.  I forgive you if you drank their poison, but the time has come to stop its starting to look desperate.


The reason that they companies were able to give those is....wait for it....they already had the money for bonuses and they were too greedy to pay it to the employees.  The bill could not do anything for them before Jan 1 and they gave out the bonuses in December.  Followed by lay offs.  Once again, everyone got a bonus and they totally shall we say "Miggery Sowed" the whole thing.  Just as they did voting for Trump. "We got bonuses, because of tax cuts, this must be good, this must mean the capitalistic exploitation of our labor has ended"  News flash we have already done this, and it ends in wages not rising, the cost of living increasing and the rich getting richer.  Trickle down economics assumes that the successful people at the top are altruistic, which simply isn't the case.

It would be one thing if there were really no impacts but the truth is where we see the impact is in smaller checks.  since the first of the year what would have been a $1000 check is now $900 for families who have no savings, and are living paycheck to paycheck.   Which makes us even more so Miggery Sow and the first person who pays attention to us seems like they are full of good ideas, when really they are ruining our lives.  They whisper "you want health care? I can refill your pockets" So people jumped on board, but we are experiencing unrest, and if you feel unrestful its not because the GOP is doing such a good job but rather because we are not seeing improvement.

Can we please stop?  It wont hurt to disagree with the GOP.  They got countless letters begging them to not pass the bill, it rewards exporting jobs, and Donald Trump loves it because he will get more money out of it.  The middle ground is disagreeing about the overall terribleness of Trump and current GOP and being able to be real about their success.  Stop touting the success of the tax bill as a means of not admitting we have a problem. Because by-Houston we do have one.

What the Cuck?? (please dont report me)

WARNING!!!  THIS POST WILL TRIGGER CONSERVATIVES!!!  For the liberals reading this, I apologize in advance for using the word "cuck."

"You know what really grinds my gears?" 
When I get called a cuck on Twitter.  I am so confused at the use of the word especially since I am a woman.  I mean it brings me to a full stop.  Why the hell am I being called this?  I usually ask if they know what it means and then get no response. Then I learned a little more about the complexities of the word and my god, its sad and disgusting that people are calling each other that! The use of the word brazenly makes it clear what type of person you are engaged with and also makes it easy to disengage.

 The term literally means a man that was cheated on by a woman.  A cuckold, meaning he was unable to control his woman and she was unfaithful.  Had he been stronger or more virulent she wouldn't have cheated. But beyond, it's that he takes care of the children these encounters produce. So why the revival of this gross word and why am I supposed to be insulted or belittled that some guy on Twitter thinks I am a cuck for saying things he doesn't like?  These guys think that being factually wrong is equivalent to infidelity.  They are so feeble that they need to make other people feel small and feeble, over the Internet.  OVER THE INTERNET!  As though they never had to employ any critical thinking. It assumes first that I care. Hint: I don't. It assumes that my self worth is going to be permeated from some guy on the Internet. Also, I really don't care. I mean you might feel like you owned me by calling me a cuck, but mostly you proved that you are not able to explain with facts why you disagree.  Really, your emotional hijacking turns you into nothing more than a misogynist.

Beyond the actual meaning of the word, there is a whole gross, gross, gross, thing known as cuckold porn. Which, depending on the source, is either porn of men watching their wives or female partner with someone else, or some disgusting racist thing where white men fetishize and shame their partner for having sex with a black man.  So now when I am called a cuck, I have to add "probably racist" to the list of terrible things the person I'm talking to evidently believes in.  Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, but it seems like there's a secret implication when using this word.  Which is that the person saying it automatically assumes I'm as racist and sexist as they are.  Unless, as I often suspect, they don't actually understand the word. Someone used it and then they were like, "that was the best sounding insult!  I think I will fling that word around indiscriminately!  I'm rational!"

The only people that would be insulted by being called a cuck would have to be insecure, racist men, who feel their value lies in their control over women.  Why would women be insulted by this?  Honestly, how would anyone be insulted by this?  It's like watching a man walk around in an, "I'm with stupid," shirt on, except instead of pointing to someone else, it's pointing at his own brain.  How did this become political?

The thing is, I'd be okay with the insult if people would actually use it correctly.  For the most part, though, it seems to be an ego-saving retort designed to shut down conversation, rather than admit the horrible truth of one being fact-checked.  Per my experience, the exchange usually goes as such:

"You know that's not true"
and the response is "cuck"

Every time someone uses that word I feel this gross shiver in my belly and then bafflement. I find the whole thing irrational.  Can white men misappropriate a word that is traditionally used by white men?  If they can then they did.  They made cuck synonymous with dumbass.

I'll admit it: I have an ego.  My ego likes to be right, so the insult is certainly not my go to response to someone challenging my opinion, pretty much ever.  I prefer being right.  I get nothing out of making other people feel small; I like to feel accurate.  However, I am also willing to ask questions. This is also attributable to my ego, because I prefer being accurate over making another person feel shitty. In fact, I pretty much prefer anything over making another person feel shitty.

So I say bring it on. Call me a cuck. It means a great deal more about you than it does me.  After you do that you can proceed to fail to provide factual, relevant, information, then finally recede into your  shroud of insecurity and desperation.  All these guys need is to feel like they have displayed some version of dominance over people with minimal effort.  This is yet another aspect in which we have squeezed out all meaning.  Using a word that doesn't mean what they think it means.  I could sincerely go on about this forever.  I simply can't accept that this is the best these people can do.  

















https://www.publicmedievalist.com/cuck/
https://www.gq.com/story/why-angry-white-men-love-calling-people-cucks

Pants Are Overrated!

I am so psyched for school to start again !! School breaks always start off as a much needed reprieve from waking up in the morning and diving right into battle, they quickly devolve  from there. Tomorrow my kids go back to school and there is a combination of dread over the early morning grind and excitement thinking of the quiet house I will have for writing, cleaning and things staying clean, not wearing pants... yes that is a perk to the kids not being home. 

So what will my day look like?

First off in the morning we will start off in a flurry of conflict.  

"Get dressed", "take your lunch", "again, you need to wear pants", "turn off the TV, you're still not wearing pants."  You get the point, my morning is going to be unpleasant and without food, or coffee.  I am going to glide through the driver drop off and hand them their coats and their back packs as the teacher leads them away from my car.  There is a moment of zen here, where I feel like I can take a deep breath and anticipate the upcoming day.

I will smoothly and quietly drive home, listening to a podcast that is not child appropriate, as opposed to the audiobook for Harry Potter. When I arrive home I will certainly abandon my pants because I can do that.  Then I will make eggs with spinach and sundried tomatoes and do some writing while I drink coffee.  This is going to be beautiful.  Then I am going to binge watch something on Netflix, while I fold laundry.  That, wait for it...will get all the way folded without a child to rolling on it.  Just writing that paragraph made feel so much excitement.  

Not only is this going to be a quiet productive day.  When I show up to get my kids I will be happy to see them.  I will be eager to hear what they did and what they have been thinking about.  My 6 year old gives the best and most genuine hugs and my 9 year old usually starts off with ridiculous stories. Oddly I am finding the more distance I get from my kids the closer we get.  I was reading a study that says we actually spend more time with our children than any other time in history.  Personally this makes sense when I think of the experiences I had being raised by a single mother who worked full time, overtime, and sometimes a second job. I missed out on those relationships, I want to be around my kids, BUT, forgive me for saying this....kids are not all that likeable for prolonged periods of time.

I will miss their chatter at some points during the day. However I will miss them and realize that I am drinking coffee, and not wearing pants.  My house will stay clean for a whole day!  I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! I hope everyone finds a way to get a day like this on occasion.

Why I am Asking for a Source.

You know how doctors hang their licenses on the wall?  You know how in any given situation you want a person to be credentialed, or informed about what they are doing? I often see posts on social media about how people want to have educated, civil discourse.  This is one in a series of posts that will help us achieve that goal.   One of the most frustrating things is when people jump into a thread with emphasis on how wrong everyone is and then they refuse to validate their own view points with a source.  Our ideas are products of influences that we then interpret and synthesize.  If you really want someone to hear you, you should be able to provide the platforms you are getting those ideas from.
 Given that you know something better than anyone else, you read it, or heard it yourself, it wont be a far stretch to google and link the source so the person you are attempting to have an educated discourse with can then interpret and process and provide sources that they derived their ideas from.  That's what educated civil discourse entails. No insults, no refusal of sources that are valid, no refusal to provide a sources.  If this is not the kind of interaction you are looking for, move along.  You don't actually want an educated civil discourse. Here are some steps you can take to decide whether to cite a source.

Source Citing

When someone asks for a source it means they are attempting to have a discourse but need to know what information you are working from. I never ask for a source out of condescension, though that is frequently the response I get. Or told to google it myself.  The reason you are being asked for a source is to explain where you derived your idea.  Why you personally think that you are asserting factual information.  

When considering what source to provide to help deepen the conversation here are some good sites that will help you determine what is an is not a good source. You look at the publication, the author and compare with other sources.  There is a lot of fervor about bias media, however bias is not as troublesome as its being made out to be.  the facts are what matter.  The bias is just what the person presenting information feels about the information. We are all free to make inferences as to the meaning of the information. 

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/588/02/

https://www.texasgateway.org/resource/determining-validity-and-reliability-sources-english-iii-research

Break down of the various new sources. 

Next we have the problem of where the information is coming from.  This really is dependent on your views.  There are a multitude of charts on the Internet. The one above is  one I personally found helpful. There are about a million of these.  I would move MSNBC more center,  the New York Post and Washington Times more right.  So the next time someone shares their source of information, think of this before you refuse to accept it.  Instead put on your critical thinking pants and look at what they have provided for you.  Ask questions. Explain why you disagree all without demeaning or belittling the other person

If You Cant Do These Things.

If you cant do these things. You may need to reassess your perspective.  Walk away take deep breaths.  Even if you are not coming from a place of inaccuracy you are unwilling to engage your critical thinking skills in a way that allows you to even provide a source.  I dont know you. You dont know me.  The internet provides a level of anonymity that shrouds us from consequence and judgement. 

Personally I am always seeking a deeper and more full understanding of things, I ask questions. I google everything.  So maybe some pieces. Thats not threatening, I am not going to be offended at being wrong. I might even admit that I am wrong. Being wrong isn't synonymous with not smart. The need to insult is all your own ego. You might think I am being arrogant but seriously the number of times I have been attacked on social media only to be denied any facts to back up their ideas has left me frustrated and annoyed that anyone pretends they want to have an exchange of ideas.