Recently I have been contemplating homeschooling my son with autism. There are many things that would be better about my life were I to do that, and even more things would be better for him. By the end of the summer hes stable and we have stopped being at war about everything. He almost seems ok. Then school starts and everything is terrible, I feel like he is devolving, reeling. By the time he levels out there is a break and everything falls apart again. I have even been directed by the psychologist that he sees says that the stability of being home would beefit him as long as he was having social interactions. I am only concerned that I personally am not up to the task of spending that much time with him.
Recently I had a revelation regarding this situation. The challenges and the over all benefit of this idea are great, and I think on a day to day basis the sense that I cant do it, or that its the best thing I have ever done will battle it out. What follows is not an example of my best parenting, and I hope that you can handle that. We screw up, its pretty much what being a parent is, the key is that I owned my screw up, I admitted he wasn't crazy and I still held to the expectations I had established. So heres what happened
Its Friday afternoon and I am crying on the couch because I just totally lost control with my kid. I sprayed with a squirt bottle. because he has been suspended from school, he has a messy room and he went to sleep instead of cleaning or doing his school work. I had just spoken to the school and confirmed he couldn't go to an event that he helped plan because he had been suspended for hitting someone. I was heartbroken for him and crying and I went into his room to tell him and he was asleep. It was like bombs were going off in my heart. I am arguing with the school for this kid who just wants to nap and not do any of his work. I initially interpreted it as a personal affront. That sense of loss and sadness just blew up. Unfortunately the 9 year old was the recipient.
This digressed into a nasty rage filled fight. Where he asserts I obviously dont love him and I retort that he obviously was never planning on listening to my instructions. Then I was the meanest person that ever lived, and I cant imaging following through with this online school hes waitlisted for because he wont ever do anything but sleep all day. In the midst of that I realized I was getting caught up. I was emotional. In that moment I looked across the room and saw his audiobook that was blaring. I stopped. I wrote a list of exactly what he needed to do and told him that if he was half way done in an hour he could have the audiobook back. Then, I walked away, I established his want, and it was up to him to fulfill that want.
It took about 10 minutes, and he came out and got a snack, then in another 10 minutes he came out and said, "I am going to do my homework first because I want to read the book. Then I will clean my room" my response "are you apologizing?" he confirmed that this was an apology and I apologized as well. We hugged and he began working through his list. Then my friend offered to bring a video game over so I offered that and the rest of the day was pretty smooth. I have to recognize that I created that situation. I am the adult, I know him and I can fairly readily predict how things might work out in a given situation.
Sooo...why am I not expecting the school to do that as well? I mean he made it through 3 days of a substitute and then had one incident in a busy lunch room. As a his mom I want to high 5 him and tell him he rocked those unexpected circumstances and yet I am left to also not be able to dismiss his behavior as it got him suspended. But then when they say that he ran away from teachers 5 times this week. To which I think still progress hes not cussing. He has openly told teachers "F-you" and said he would cut their heads off. He ran away 5 times as opposed to getting so frustrated with them he uses obscenities but no one notices because he ran away and thats not safe. Anyhow I digress, thats not actually my point. Still so frustrating. My point is that maybe I am capable of both. I can weather the storms and help him have less of them.
There were a number of things I forgot as a parent. I forgot to center myself before I went to speak with him in the first place, I forgot to go into that room with a plan, and I forgot to let go. I was never going to get him to clean his room or do his school work by the force of my will, but rather the force of his own will and his own wants. All of this is forgivable, its essentially the crux of parenting, always being on a tight rope over a really excited crowd. I could have easily just been mad that he wasn't listening and spent my whole day fighting with him and never made any progress, I was willing to shift gears.
A major take away form this is that where the school gives up or exacerbates his fragile emotional stability, I am able to help him recover namely by acknowledging my own failings.. My child is left to feel unheard and rejected in school, and while they insist its just school policy none of the other students seem to be disciplined. I never hear about other students being suspended, and I feel like I can do better than them. This may be my own personal act of hubris, but I am diving in. I am going to write a curriculum (which I am capable of doing) and I am going to homeschool my kid while we wait for him to get into online school.
Sidenote. Please comment and email if you have any suggestions on home schooling I am totally open.
kimmymidnight@gmail.com
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