What the Cuck?? (please dont report me)

WARNING!!!  THIS POST WILL TRIGGER CONSERVATIVES!!!  For the liberals reading this, I apologize in advance for using the word "cuck."

"You know what really grinds my gears?" 
When I get called a cuck on Twitter.  I am so confused at the use of the word especially since I am a woman.  I mean it brings me to a full stop.  Why the hell am I being called this?  I usually ask if they know what it means and then get no response. Then I learned a little more about the complexities of the word and my god, its sad and disgusting that people are calling each other that! The use of the word brazenly makes it clear what type of person you are engaged with and also makes it easy to disengage.

 The term literally means a man that was cheated on by a woman.  A cuckold, meaning he was unable to control his woman and she was unfaithful.  Had he been stronger or more virulent she wouldn't have cheated. But beyond, it's that he takes care of the children these encounters produce. So why the revival of this gross word and why am I supposed to be insulted or belittled that some guy on Twitter thinks I am a cuck for saying things he doesn't like?  These guys think that being factually wrong is equivalent to infidelity.  They are so feeble that they need to make other people feel small and feeble, over the Internet.  OVER THE INTERNET!  As though they never had to employ any critical thinking. It assumes first that I care. Hint: I don't. It assumes that my self worth is going to be permeated from some guy on the Internet. Also, I really don't care. I mean you might feel like you owned me by calling me a cuck, but mostly you proved that you are not able to explain with facts why you disagree.  Really, your emotional hijacking turns you into nothing more than a misogynist.

Beyond the actual meaning of the word, there is a whole gross, gross, gross, thing known as cuckold porn. Which, depending on the source, is either porn of men watching their wives or female partner with someone else, or some disgusting racist thing where white men fetishize and shame their partner for having sex with a black man.  So now when I am called a cuck, I have to add "probably racist" to the list of terrible things the person I'm talking to evidently believes in.  Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, but it seems like there's a secret implication when using this word.  Which is that the person saying it automatically assumes I'm as racist and sexist as they are.  Unless, as I often suspect, they don't actually understand the word. Someone used it and then they were like, "that was the best sounding insult!  I think I will fling that word around indiscriminately!  I'm rational!"

The only people that would be insulted by being called a cuck would have to be insecure, racist men, who feel their value lies in their control over women.  Why would women be insulted by this?  Honestly, how would anyone be insulted by this?  It's like watching a man walk around in an, "I'm with stupid," shirt on, except instead of pointing to someone else, it's pointing at his own brain.  How did this become political?

The thing is, I'd be okay with the insult if people would actually use it correctly.  For the most part, though, it seems to be an ego-saving retort designed to shut down conversation, rather than admit the horrible truth of one being fact-checked.  Per my experience, the exchange usually goes as such:

"You know that's not true"
and the response is "cuck"

Every time someone uses that word I feel this gross shiver in my belly and then bafflement. I find the whole thing irrational.  Can white men misappropriate a word that is traditionally used by white men?  If they can then they did.  They made cuck synonymous with dumbass.

I'll admit it: I have an ego.  My ego likes to be right, so the insult is certainly not my go to response to someone challenging my opinion, pretty much ever.  I prefer being right.  I get nothing out of making other people feel small; I like to feel accurate.  However, I am also willing to ask questions. This is also attributable to my ego, because I prefer being accurate over making another person feel shitty. In fact, I pretty much prefer anything over making another person feel shitty.

So I say bring it on. Call me a cuck. It means a great deal more about you than it does me.  After you do that you can proceed to fail to provide factual, relevant, information, then finally recede into your  shroud of insecurity and desperation.  All these guys need is to feel like they have displayed some version of dominance over people with minimal effort.  This is yet another aspect in which we have squeezed out all meaning.  Using a word that doesn't mean what they think it means.  I could sincerely go on about this forever.  I simply can't accept that this is the best these people can do.  

















https://www.publicmedievalist.com/cuck/
https://www.gq.com/story/why-angry-white-men-love-calling-people-cucks

Pants Are Overrated!

I am so psyched for school to start again !! School breaks always start off as a much needed reprieve from waking up in the morning and diving right into battle, they quickly devolve  from there. Tomorrow my kids go back to school and there is a combination of dread over the early morning grind and excitement thinking of the quiet house I will have for writing, cleaning and things staying clean, not wearing pants... yes that is a perk to the kids not being home. 

So what will my day look like?

First off in the morning we will start off in a flurry of conflict.  

"Get dressed", "take your lunch", "again, you need to wear pants", "turn off the TV, you're still not wearing pants."  You get the point, my morning is going to be unpleasant and without food, or coffee.  I am going to glide through the driver drop off and hand them their coats and their back packs as the teacher leads them away from my car.  There is a moment of zen here, where I feel like I can take a deep breath and anticipate the upcoming day.

I will smoothly and quietly drive home, listening to a podcast that is not child appropriate, as opposed to the audiobook for Harry Potter. When I arrive home I will certainly abandon my pants because I can do that.  Then I will make eggs with spinach and sundried tomatoes and do some writing while I drink coffee.  This is going to be beautiful.  Then I am going to binge watch something on Netflix, while I fold laundry.  That, wait for it...will get all the way folded without a child to rolling on it.  Just writing that paragraph made feel so much excitement.  

Not only is this going to be a quiet productive day.  When I show up to get my kids I will be happy to see them.  I will be eager to hear what they did and what they have been thinking about.  My 6 year old gives the best and most genuine hugs and my 9 year old usually starts off with ridiculous stories. Oddly I am finding the more distance I get from my kids the closer we get.  I was reading a study that says we actually spend more time with our children than any other time in history.  Personally this makes sense when I think of the experiences I had being raised by a single mother who worked full time, overtime, and sometimes a second job. I missed out on those relationships, I want to be around my kids, BUT, forgive me for saying this....kids are not all that likeable for prolonged periods of time.

I will miss their chatter at some points during the day. However I will miss them and realize that I am drinking coffee, and not wearing pants.  My house will stay clean for a whole day!  I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! I hope everyone finds a way to get a day like this on occasion.

Why I am Asking for a Source.

You know how doctors hang their licenses on the wall?  You know how in any given situation you want a person to be credentialed, or informed about what they are doing? I often see posts on social media about how people want to have educated, civil discourse.  This is one in a series of posts that will help us achieve that goal.   One of the most frustrating things is when people jump into a thread with emphasis on how wrong everyone is and then they refuse to validate their own view points with a source.  Our ideas are products of influences that we then interpret and synthesize.  If you really want someone to hear you, you should be able to provide the platforms you are getting those ideas from.
 Given that you know something better than anyone else, you read it, or heard it yourself, it wont be a far stretch to google and link the source so the person you are attempting to have an educated discourse with can then interpret and process and provide sources that they derived their ideas from.  That's what educated civil discourse entails. No insults, no refusal of sources that are valid, no refusal to provide a sources.  If this is not the kind of interaction you are looking for, move along.  You don't actually want an educated civil discourse. Here are some steps you can take to decide whether to cite a source.

Source Citing

When someone asks for a source it means they are attempting to have a discourse but need to know what information you are working from. I never ask for a source out of condescension, though that is frequently the response I get. Or told to google it myself.  The reason you are being asked for a source is to explain where you derived your idea.  Why you personally think that you are asserting factual information.  

When considering what source to provide to help deepen the conversation here are some good sites that will help you determine what is an is not a good source. You look at the publication, the author and compare with other sources.  There is a lot of fervor about bias media, however bias is not as troublesome as its being made out to be.  the facts are what matter.  The bias is just what the person presenting information feels about the information. We are all free to make inferences as to the meaning of the information. 

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/588/02/

https://www.texasgateway.org/resource/determining-validity-and-reliability-sources-english-iii-research

Break down of the various new sources. 

Next we have the problem of where the information is coming from.  This really is dependent on your views.  There are a multitude of charts on the Internet. The one above is  one I personally found helpful. There are about a million of these.  I would move MSNBC more center,  the New York Post and Washington Times more right.  So the next time someone shares their source of information, think of this before you refuse to accept it.  Instead put on your critical thinking pants and look at what they have provided for you.  Ask questions. Explain why you disagree all without demeaning or belittling the other person

If You Cant Do These Things.

If you cant do these things. You may need to reassess your perspective.  Walk away take deep breaths.  Even if you are not coming from a place of inaccuracy you are unwilling to engage your critical thinking skills in a way that allows you to even provide a source.  I dont know you. You dont know me.  The internet provides a level of anonymity that shrouds us from consequence and judgement. 

Personally I am always seeking a deeper and more full understanding of things, I ask questions. I google everything.  So maybe some pieces. Thats not threatening, I am not going to be offended at being wrong. I might even admit that I am wrong. Being wrong isn't synonymous with not smart. The need to insult is all your own ego. You might think I am being arrogant but seriously the number of times I have been attacked on social media only to be denied any facts to back up their ideas has left me frustrated and annoyed that anyone pretends they want to have an exchange of ideas.  

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Paul Ryan

 I am writing to implore you to be more thoughtful in your pursuits.  I can see that you are under immense pressure and possibly everyone hates you.  However if you paused and listened to constituents as people as opposed to treating them like petulant children you may find more success.  I have tried to contact you through other forms but this seems like a better idea.

I am going to take this one step at a time. Feel free to share this with colleagues. I just have a few ideas on how you can both be less despised and feel like you are making decisions you can live with. While the rest of us live as well.

1. The Federal Poverty Line.

Reassess it. 

The Federal Poverty line is too low.  As a family of 4 making 50,000 we barely make it.  We can purchase groceries, and have all basic needs met.  However we have no savings.  If for some reason my husband were injured it would have dire consequences on our lives.  We have insurance we cant actually afford to use and I have a disabled child so I dont work.  However according to the federal government, I and every other person I know that is struggling should be fine.  We aren't, please raise the federal poverty limit and consider different criteria for determining needs. The current poverty line says a family of 4 is around 24,000.  That's too low.  Raise it provide more access and people will be able to stabilize economically and do all the bootstrap pulling you think they should. 

2.  Dont Even Think About Touching Food Stamps

Too late you already did.

1/8 families in the U.S are in food insecure households.  The discount market I go to is always packed with people pawing the items for expiration dates.  People will starve to death without that program.  We will quickly stop being the land of the free and the home of the brave and instead become the land of the hungry and the home of the sick. Aslo why WIC!? What do you have against babies? 

3. Heres How that Tax Break will Actually Help Me. 

It wont.

So I see all sorts of things being thrown about on how much people will actually get back as a result of the recent tax overhaul.  Anything from 7000, to 700, with a about a million addendums in between.  Heres the thing. I dont care about taxes.  It wasn't what the people wanted, we want healthcare and President that we could meet without calling us fat or stupid or grope us.  Tax overhaul is what you wanted.  Nice job civil servant way to serve.  Anyway I am going to break down some math.  

I have commercial insurance: its about 20$ out of every check.  My children are on CHIP .  So they currently aren't paid for by my premium.  Its another 40$ premium to put my kids on insurance.  

40X4=160

160x12=2400 

My son sees a therapist twice a week. That's 2 $40 copays every week.

40x2=80

80x4=320

320x12= 3,840 

So whatever your tax plan is supposed to net my family has already hurt it by not continuing CHIP.

This is assuming that my current plan covers behavioral health, oh and vision  because my son wears glasses. My husband is a Veteran who woks 50, 60, 70 hour weeks, while I take care of my kids.  Taking them to therapy and school.  On top of that I work part time. and we somehow are going supposed to feel like burdens on the system, and think that whatever menial amount of money we get from not paying taxes is going to make up for the immense burden of paying for something we already struggle to afford, 

In the end that's $6240 more than I currently spend so the tax bill is a numberical wash at best,  as well as an actual increased burden without CHIP and also the Social Securtiy and housing threats are problems. I have never met you and you are actively taking a wrecking ball to my life. 

4. About CHIP 

Fund it. 

Dear lord and Jesus just fund the damn program. The message cannot be that there are ever forceful ploys to force women to have babies and also to force women to watch those children die.  What kind of human being even debates this program there is no reason  (unless you are working for Medicaid for all) to let it toil.  These are working parents who otherwise cant afford healthcare for their children.  Not a single argument about welfare programs can be applied and while I have a full bodied belief in social safety nets, I also just cant see what the ploy is here.  I dont want to believe that your view is to let people die. JUST GET THIS DONE!

5. Childcare

Its Expensive. 

If you cut food stamps and Medicaid and medicare and gut public housing.  Please socialize chilcare as I for one will have to take in my father and father-in-law and have to attempt to work full time in hopes that they can care for my children.  Since you hit Social Security in the tax overhaul I am assuming they wont have much to contribute in terms of monetary assistance. Public childcare would be super helpful in that regard.  Though I dont want my kids to be socialized to be Nazis so I am not all in on my faith in the federal government. 

6.  About the Nazis  

We Dont like them.

NO! Not a thing that should be happening.  The vote in the U.N., Charlottesville. Donald Trump.  All bad.  Please stop focusing on the bullshit tax scam and save the country thanks. Maybe you would feel like you didnt have to retire if you didnt also feel gross every day you let this continue.  You are the speaker of the house.  You are the leader of the House Republicans, you are an actual republican.  You can do this.  

7. Trump Appointees

Stop Confirming.

Until it is clear that Donald Trump is competent enough to appoint federal judges and White House staff please stop approving them.  Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos should not have any hands in the cookie jar. Not to mention Jared and Ivanka.  What is going on? Stop willfully appointing people who are not equipped for their jobs. 

8.  I Will End it Here

Though I could go on.

With the repeal of net neutrality, and the tax bill passing, and all the other "exciting" things you have been up to you are overlooking this huge elephant.  You can choose not to fund CHIP and still the people that were on it wont have money for it.  You can take people off of food stamps and they wont have money for food. You can take away housing and people will simply be homeless.  I know people throw around their perceptions of people receiving public programs but mostly they are hostages to the state, and taking away the services doesn't make their lives better, it leaves them sick, hungry and homeless. Why the poor.  Why is everything being defunded?  How much money do we owe Russia? My god. 

There are a million other beneficial things you can do that wont result in the killing large swathes of the American people.  Show some empathy.  Who says those poor starving people take too much those children get too sick, why dont we take everything away while we make 200,000 a year and have stable un-impacted benefits.  You could comfortably live on 100,000 or 150,000 and subsidized travel home.  Congress is stirring rage I otherwise calm people.  

Perseveration vs. Echolalia

Perseveration 

Perseveration is repetitive thoughts.  If you have ever met a person who cant stop talking about a band, or knows everything about a specific war?  What about someone who cant stop thinking and talking about a perspective or new partner?  All of these are of course beyond the typical.  We aren't talking about just the basic overly interested person either.  My son for example can weave Minecraft into literally any conversation, and explain how it fits into his view of the real world.  

Perseveration on more personal events can be challenging.  Having one negative interaction with someone can stick and come up in a festering way that makes it challenging to forgive people. For instance he had a fight with another child in the neighborhood 3 years ago and every time someone mentions that person now. He then has to talk about how they fought, and how the kid was really mean that one time.  This will go on for a long period of time. This also happens with new friends, with events such as my grandmother dying, or moving to a new house.  

Perseveration is symptomatic of autism but is also seen many other mental illness.  Namely OCD, however evidence shows that perseveration has different functions in OCD and autism.  So do not assume that because someone fixates on something and cant stop talking about it they are autistic. There are other causes of this behavior    

Here are some helpful links on perseveration. 

https://youtu.be/yUEoRK8TbJM

Echolalia 

Echolalia is essentially repetition of words.  Its similar to perseveration in its obsessive and rigid presentation its purpose is not the same.  I am now beginning to think that my sons cussing is more likely echolalia rather than perseveration.  Echolalia is a natural part of learning speech, and since children with autism tend to not learn speech as much through social interaction it is a large component to this learning.  Echolalia is way for people with autism to script their language.  The video I have connected with this is post from Amethyst does a great job explaining the purpose of this behavior. I always start with the assumption that my son doesn't want to scream obscenities at people but lacks the tools and self regulation not to. He is trying to communicate his feelings in the most effective way he knows how.

The weirdest thing is that he never babbled.  My son started speaking in sentences at around a year old.  He was mind bogglingly fast to learn things.  But over the years he has adapted his own sounds.  When he was bored he would click like Perry the Platypus, when hes excited he does this shrill sound that's somewhere between a scream and a squeak...like air brakes.  

My son will when he is stressed repeat the word B***ch until he falls asleep.  When he gets really upset he yells cuss words.  What I am beginning to see is that maybe its a stress reliever to do so.  I thought he was perseverating on the words but as I understand echolalia better I think that is what is happening instead.  Replacing the words, or explaining why people wouldn't like it doesn't seem to work.  All the tools I have to help ease his perseveration into manageable thought patterns doesn't work.   But it wouldn't right?  

Really I am sure someone will read this and ask why I am not just seeing the cussing as a behavior problem. I would say aside from his having and ASD disorder, that I don't see a difference.  Behavior problems are stemming from a response to the environment, kids and adults like to make their environment respond to them and need to relive themselves of those types of pressures. So I personally knowing my son and how embarrassing the cussing episodes are believe there is an involuntary component but also that doesn't actually matter to me in terms of dealing with the behavior.  The goal should be to restructure the environment so that he doesn't need to to yell cuss words and helping him adapt better coping mechanisms. 

Some Helpful Links on Echolalia

https://youtu.be/ome-95iHtB0

FUND CHIP

Update: I wrote this nearly a month ago.  Congress passed temporary funding for CHIP, but not permanent.

Mine and 9 million other children are on CHIP insurance plans.  CHIP was a separately funded  plan for parents who don't qualify for Medicaid but cant afford to put their children on commercial insurance.  Beyond that I could put my children on insurance and not be able to pay for them to go to any Doctor ever.  They both require specialists, therapies and inhalers.  What Congress is doing is a moral travesty.  Unfortunately as of late that doesn't seem to be what concerns them.  Congress seems incapable of making a decision based on its moral implications and more leaning toward the donors that line their pockets.    

A few states predict they will reach the end of their funds before January 1st the majority wont make it much past January.  By September the last state will be eking out the last of their funding.  There is hope in places like Colorado that the state will carry the costs, and the program can continue despite loss in federal funding.  What about places like Kentucky though?  Can places that are not thriving economically still care for the children? What will be the ultimate line drawn for Congress?  Will this be the same long haul as gun laws?  I am afraid it will as long as congress doesn't suffer they wont see it as an issue they are responsible for.  Here is a promise. My children will not suffer in silence so that the GOP can get rich and feel like rulers of the universe. What if their children were on CHIP?  Would they be dragging their feet like this?  I think not.

The thing is that a large number of children receiving Medicaid and 100% of children on CHIP come from homes with working parents.  So what's the message, you cant work hard enough for helathy children?  We only care about ourselves?  We are moving past the morally ambiguous arguments about drug addicts selling their food stamps, which I also find invalid just FYI.  We are in the realm of saying that hard working Americans are still not hard working enough to reap the benefits of their taxes.  I am angry and exhausted of opening Twitter or Facebook, or watching the news day in and day out only to see the safety nets that allowed America to be prosperous being dismantled so we can what build a wall, have tax cuts I have never heard anyone care about?

What does it say about the government that they are writing tax exemptions for owning a private jet but not willing to provide medical care for children.  I would hope that at the end of this tunnel There is a new system that is better than this one. That someone smart enough and socially conscious enough will materialize and change the game. As of now Paul Ryans statement that they are also going to roll back funding for Medicaid and Medicare, and another statement about the SNAP program,  makes this situation all the more hopeless. Its like Paul Ryan and Mitch Mconnell have no idea what people are surviving on.  My family gets by on about 3600 a month. But we don't have savings and anything less leaves us to really struggle. 

I am making it a point to bring up CHIP funding everyday.  I email Senators and Representatives, tell others to ask about it at town halls.  Tweet at various people.  I am not going to sit silently and let this just happen to me and my children and neither should you.  There is no need.  Why these programs? Why doesn't congress take a hit.  50,000 a year for 528 people is 26 million dollars.  

My last thought is that this is not and should not be a partisan issue.  The health of, children, elderly and poor is not about what political party you are in but rather what kind of person you are.  Please do the right thing.

  

Sources:

https://www.macpac.gov/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Federal-CHIP-Funding_When-Will-States-Exhaust-Allotments.pdf

https://www.cbpp.org/research/federal-budget/policy-basics-where-do-our-federal-tax-dollars-go

Gone Girl?

*Spoilers*

I am reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, and I am feeling incredibly conflicted.  Mostly I am enjoying it but I cant decide if its supposed to be ironic, or if it is overtly anti feminist.  The movie didn't help me in the least. Ben Affleck starring in it is obviously also somewhat perverse and didn't help my unease.  Watching him suck on the nipples of his mistress, and have gratuitous sex scenes that do nothing to drive the plot, and thinking about Harvey Weinstein, Ben Affleck, Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, etc. etc.  That just makes me feel icky. The other factor is that I know Reese Witherspoones production company made the film and it was with the intent that it was supposed to be produce strong female roles.  I just don't see it. The story is still a woman using her womanly wiles to manipulate people.

The trouble is that despite the conflicting feelings I'm having, I still liked the book. The movie was a big no, but the book was good.  Gillian Flynn has developed interesting characters, and taken a dysfunctional relationship to the extreme. Nic Dunne's internalize misogyny is on point. The thought patterns dominate the story, that Amy controlled everything, that she expected him to notice what she liked or remember the stories she told and he has justification for his inability to do those things. The inattentive man and the angry woman who cant just leave her husband despite hating him.  I just cant.

  Perhaps its only me, however who feels like the archetype of the woman deservedly scorned is dangerous. I also thought this in Mad Men.  The way Betty and Megan Draper are terrible and whiney and Don is the one cheating and lying to them. Nic Dunne is the worst and yet the story had to be written so that he was the worst because Amy was so bad.  There is valid point that they as a couple are the embodiment of consumer culture, and the depiction of the long suffering Midwest that Nic and Amy are what's left when all stuff and the house are gone.

The trouble is specifically in the current culture.  The woman who says that she has been raped, or her husband is beating her, is depicted as a liar.  Which is exactly what Amy Dunne has done in the story.  What I am conflicted about is this, is the story depicting the absurdity of women doing all these things to men. Showing how psychotic she would have to be to do them, or did Gillian Flynn use these tropes as plot device?

Am I uncomfortable with a woman being staged as a villain? This is absolutely possible. But I'm ok with Cerecei Lannister, so for now I am going to put a pin in that conflict. Do these tropes matter?  I come to the conclusion that they probably do. I don't know that a woman staging multiple rapes, domestic violence, or pregnancy, to be spiteful, even as a display of the absurdity isn't harmful to women who are actually experiencing those things. As long as the reaction is that women must be lying the making light of the absurdity will be lost on anyone who believes the latter. Women are constantly forced to accept brutalities they suffer to be weapons, don't cry rape, or he just needs help with his anger. Amy Dunne falsifying rape with the top of a wine bottle not only never needed to be depicted but, it also leads one to believe that woman would do that to herself out of revenge.

The movie never needed to happen.  It is pretty bad in my opinion.  The rhythm of Nicks inner monologue, alternating with Amy's journal entries doesn't play onto the screen, they fail to really show  the misogyny of Nick or make Amy seem as likeable as she is at the beginning of the book.  Lastly they left out all a lot of female characters that made it clear Amy was a sociopath not a scorned wife. Instead they left the part where she lied about rape and left everyone else out.

The one thing I can say is that I enjoyed the contrast of Amy the person and Amazing Amy the character.  I think its not only a gendered relevance.  Parents do this to their children frequently. We see them one way, they behave another, and then we either amend our vision of them as people, or create a delusion of them without their flaws.  Girls and women though are supposed to be perfect, they are supposed to be chaste and then marry, and then reproduce like rabbits.