25 Ideas on Gun Control. What are Yours?

There are a million ways we could manage the issue of gun control in America and if we did even a single thing, we might stop living in terror.  The thing is it requires personal responsibility and also a change in behavior.  Which no one wants. Specifically no one wants to give up their hobby to save the lives of our children. 

Here are 25 ideas I just a single person can formulate off the top of my head.  

1. Dont sell semi-automatic weapons any more
2. Only sell non lethal rounds to be used only at shooting ranges. Sort of like you cant take alcohol from a bar. Then people could still use their hobby guns, but we could be safe. 
3. Everyone stop paying their dues to the NRA, perhaps start a new gun lobby that supports personal gun ownership and practices that deter mass shootings. 
4. Dont vote for someone who receives funding from the NRA
5. Require that every semi-automatic weapon purchased be placed in a database with a title much like a vehicle. This way there is evidence when someone is massing a large amount of guns or ammo, perhaps we could use these computer doo-dads to flag when someone owns a specific amount. Lets say 5. 
6. Make it illegal to sell guns without a sellers license. Boom an industry is created with jobs, people have to take their legal guns to brokers who then have to be licensed to sell them. No one else is bothered that we get ID'd for Sudafed but I can sell my whacky neighbor a gun? 
7. How would we get guns off the streets you ask?  Offer a tax deduction, or create a crime stoppers like program as incentive for people to turn in guns that are no longer legal.  Provide like a 6 month amnesty before they turn them in.
8. What about the government you say? Unarmed black people are gunned down every day by the police.  Perhaps if the public is less likely to be armed the police would be amenable to also being less armed and we would all be safer. As well as the police being less scared of citizen. 
9. Protest gun stores like anyone else protests abortion clinics.  Stand outside with photos of children who died and hand out pamphlets explaining what guns were used and what companies and discouraging membership to the NRA
10. Put chips in all new guns
11. Make all guns fingerprint sensitive. 
12. Make all gun owners purchase gun insurance at the point of purchase. This insurance could be expressly used to treat people in mass shootings. 
13. put warning labels on guns from the surgeon general.  (is this a thing?  I have never actually purchased a gun)
14. Make it so litigious and expensive to purchase a gun its discouraged then make owning a gun illegally even more costly. You know like the war on drugs.....
15. Call write and harass your representatives.  State, Local, and federal. Make it clear that this is what we want. 
16. We have marched for science, women, there is, the march for life, why isnt there a march for gun laws???
17. Usurp the message of the NRA.  This really is all or nothing.  We act mass shootings or the left will actually come for all guns.  For once make they other side play to the middle. 
18. Universal healthcare would treat the victims of gun violence, and provide mental health treatment for those shooters who could have been helped by that access.
19. Study the most effective gun laws around the world and around the country and replicate their commonalities. 
20. Ingrate interpersonal relationships into the education system. 
21. Have more ice cream socials.  I am serious build communities and relationships. 
22. Intervene in bullying. 
23. Look at the post Columbine move toward anti bullying there were some real consequences to the kids those policies impacted. 
24. Pay attention to the men being radicalized right in front of you.  The MRAs the MGTOWs, Alt right, Trumpsters.  There is a commonality that much of these groups are made up of white males. 
25. Do Something, dont just beg your representative to pass a law or literally hope and pray, do something even if its just the microscopic action. 

We have to stop being reflexive.  My kids shouldn't be learning to hide under their desks, they should be learning that they are safe and that they are going to more often than not be safe.  I know we love our guns in America.  We not including me but i get it.  But how many children should and will die because there is a past time we dont want limited. Thats not how this works. We need to do something. 

Everything Must Go; Why Socialism Wont Cure All Ills.

When I was in the 7th grade my father had an emergency surgery.  He was uninsured and when he woke up from surgery with a colostomy, in immense pain, he was flailing and screaming.  As my sister turned the nurse hurried out of the room.  My sister raced out to find out what was happening.  The answer the nurse gave was, "he is uninsured, we cant give him any pain medicine".  My over all perception is I dont care about any other answer, we need to provide people healthcare.  How many people do you know that are no longer working but could be due to an untreated health condition?   

While I whole heartedly believe in universal healthcare.  I also dont believe it is the cure to all ills.  Many people think it will solve racism, or wars, make everything equal.  This is only moderately the case. So all these so called progressives on the socialism bandwagon are more than willing to air their racism out thats been hiding in the cellars under the guise of anti colonialism, or throw in nods to how it will help the white working class. The insidiousness of racism that says all people and amends itself to not them, or them, or those people, only this one type of person. Socialism is only the distribution of wealth its not the distribution of equality, or justice, its only economic. This is a nod to the Bernie bros who seem to understand this, and be ok with it.  Lets just have an economic revolution that never accounts for our history of racism and certainly doesnt attempt to correct it. 

Lets address where this assumption might come from as well the right and the wrong of it.  We cant advocate outright socialism while we also have to accept that capitalism in its current form was not designed to work for communities of color.  Nothing is simple and nothing is one policy. 

There are some things that important to keep in mind when trying to grapple with the American relationship with socialism.   A core following of the socialist movement in the U.S. were civil rights activists.  They were of the opinion that gains were made in racial equality in the Soviet Union, which is true but the fact is that the Soviet Union collapsed and actual equality was still not met. The Black Panthers, MLK Jr., Angela Davis, Malcolm X. All if not explicitly in supported of socialism, were of the belief that capitalism as a system with racism would never allow communities of color to conquer oppression.  As far as I can gather the idea is that if there was not barrier to economic stability people of color could do the rest overcome and have otherwise self sustaining communities.  

The evidence that the U.S. has weaponized capitalism against communities of color is ample. You cant really talk about the issues impacting communities of color without considering that resources are held hostage within the system.  Slavery itself is the root of American capitalism.  There is an article from Forbes below that details this.  Couple this with the prison system, the massacre of anything that provides opportunity for these communities including in-equal funding on education or the actual massacre of black Wallstreet.  There is a valid argument that capitalism will never benefit people of color in the United States in total.  We have to rebuild every system.  Which may be possible after the Trump administration because there will be nothing left by the end of all of this. 

So what about socialism?  Socialism comes with an entirely different set of issues.  The complicated history is that not only Hitler but virtually every socialist thinker of the early 20th century was a proponent of genocide.  If the rising tide lifts all ships and you only want the white ships rise you have to only have white ships.  Hitler was of the opinion that socialism and Judaism were somehow at odds. So as the acceptance of socialism rolls into the American consciousness there also is a rise in nationalism, anti-Semitism, anti feminism, xenophobia, racism.  The question is are all these things connected?  I turn to other countries, Denmark that is well known for its socialist programs and its low income inequality still has a fairly prevalent culture built on racism, the same goes for Canada.  So there goes that. 

Engles and Marx posit that these inequalities are created by the state there for socialism and eventually communism will break down the inequalities as the state ceases to exist.  This divorces the idea that systems of oppression are self fulfilling and not dependent on other systems.  Thats why racism is insidious and not easily solved by say ending slavery or the Civil Rights Act, or Affirmative Action, or the Americans with Disabilities act.  At some point we need to address the reality that the U.S. has been constructed on a foundation of white supremacy and not single policy or economic system is going to fix that. 

Stop conflating economics as the solutions to social ills.  We have reached a point in history where we need to fight for everyone or no one.  Why cant we all have healthcare? Wouldnt true freedom afford us the option between socialism and capitalism?  One person is not capable of paying for private insurance while another simply doesnt think that the state provides care that they want and both people have options that are plausible, no one goes without.  Oh wait we already had the ACA all we need now is a Medicare for all and allow the insurance companies to continue existing, in which case they will compete with free.  No one deserves to die or preventable diseases and no one deserves to be denied treatment because they cant afford it. FULL STOP. 

Here is a Wikihow on breaking down racism. 

https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Reduce-Racism

Sources

www.dsausa.org/socialism_in_black_america_dl

https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/jewish-socialism-in-europe/

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/hitler-and-the-socialist-dream-1186455.html

https://www.bustle.com/p/the-women-of-democratic-socialism-prove-the-movement-isnt-just-a-bunch-of-sexist-white-guys-78554

https://www.vox.com/2016/2/4/10918710/berniebro-bernie-bro

http://sfbayview.com/2011/02/what-happened-to-black-wall-street-on-june-1-1921/

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/sep/02/socialism-young-americans-bernie-sanders

http://www.ebony.com/black-history/the-destruction-of-black-wall-street-405

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/rachel-decoste/racism-in-canada_b_6401578.html

http://www.conferenceboard.ca/hcp/details/society/income-inequality.aspx?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

http://cphpost.dk/opinion/does-denmark-have-a-racism-problem.html

https://www.forbes.com/sites/hbsworkingknowledge/2017/05/03/the-clear-connection-between-slavery-and-american-capitalism/#b788f1e7bd3b

Here is a Wikihow on breaking down racism. 

https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Reduce-Racism

MGTOW. Because How Dare Women Be People

MGTOW; Men Going Their Own Way is something that recently crossed my path and on the surface it just seems a little silly.  I mean they could just be single, and accept that choice however they aren't actually happy.  They are the vegetarians that always want a steak and judge you and complain that other people eat meat.  No one actually cares that these men are dropping out of the race. Women get it, it sucks sometimes and is easier to just not do it. Honestly though they are doing us a favor.  But maybe the term sit down and shut up applies here. 

So there are men who want to not have relationships with women as a result of their bad experiences.  Fine.  They dont want kids. Fine.  They dont even like women.  Still actually fine.  The line they cross is in visceral reactions.  There is an uncomfortable emphasis on denying rape.  MGTOWs  think they might as well not have sex because it protects them from rape allegations. As opposed to you know not being rapey.  Dont touch women who dont tell you that you can touch them, dont have sex with women you haven't established consent with.  This isnt that complicated. They are literally swearing off women on the grounds that they cant not rape us. 

The next level is that they think that women only use them because they have to pay child support and alimony. In reading their threads and blog posts and looking over the website. I have to notice that there is definite lack of self reflection. Interesting since they posit that they promote male self owner ship. Which explains a lot they haven't evolved with the rest of in terms of owning people, their concessions to feminism are in their minds just flipping the script.  So they are mad at feminism for something they are doing to themselves.  They set the expectations in their own relationships and when women then dont agree or dont act according to their expectation they cant handle it. Not one of them say "I was not good to my wife"  They assert that women cheat and literally complain that women want their time.  There are women who are not great people for sure. However it takes 2 to tango. their marriage not being successful was most likely a mutual destruction, and their sexism a key catalyst.

The harsh reality of these men is that they are shirking the expectation that they be full fledged adults and have equal and fulfilling relationships with women.  There are literally other fish in the sea. There are plenty of men who will be there and have genuine relationships and dropping out makes it easier to find them.  Sadly there is a void of maturity you can see in their responses.  They want to leave women behind but they dont women to leave them.  They think that feminism is to blame for all the problems between men and women, but fault women for reliance on men while expecting it.  Truth be told these men dont really know what they stand for.

When you go to the MGTOW website, the section on the history describes a phenomenon that has been there always since Jesus.  SINCE JESUS! The irony is how angry they get when a person calls it a movement.  Despite the website having posters that promote the ideas and they use the specific word phenomenon. So there is a display that the movement lacks the grasp of words, but it gets better, they compare the movement to fire, explaining that fire is always there.  So now you get to see they dont get science either.  Fire is a chemical reaction, there has to be a chemical change for fire to happen, as well as the law of conservation of energy. The energy is always stored and then is transferred and converted into being fire but that doesnt mean fire is always there. The entire metaphore to describe their MOVEMENT is wrong.

Mostly I am cool with this. these men can continue to active ignore women.  Again they aren't so good at words.  Ignoring by definition is active you cant ignore something unless you know its happening. The definition of ignore is a refusal to take notice or acknowledge. So they can run away from #metoo and the gynocentric laws that expect them not to rape women and take care of their kids. The world will be fine without them.  I know this is harsh, but really they are punishing women by not having sex with them, how self important can you be?

Part of Parenting; Forgiving Yourself for Mistakes You Will Make

Recently I have been contemplating homeschooling my son with autism.  There are many things that would be better about my life were I to do that, and even more things would be better for him.  By the end of the summer hes stable and we have stopped being at war about everything.  He almost seems ok.  Then school starts and everything is terrible, I feel like he is devolving, reeling.  By the time he levels out there is a break and everything falls apart again.   I have even been directed by the psychologist that he sees says that the stability of being home would beefit him as long as he was having social interactions.  I am only concerned that I personally am not up to the task of spending that much time with him.

Recently I had a revelation regarding this situation.  The challenges and the over all benefit of this idea are great, and I think on a day to day basis the sense that I cant do it, or that its the best thing I have ever done will battle it out.  What follows is not an example of my best parenting, and I hope that you can handle that.  We screw up, its pretty much what being a parent is, the key is that I owned my screw up, I admitted he wasn't crazy and I still held to the expectations I had established. So heres what happened  

Its Friday afternoon and I am crying on the couch because I just totally lost control with my kid.  I sprayed with a squirt bottle. because he has been suspended from school, he has a messy room and he went to sleep instead of cleaning or doing his school work. I had just spoken to the school and confirmed he couldn't go to an event that he helped plan because he had been suspended for hitting someone. I was heartbroken for him and crying and I went into his room to tell him and he was asleep.  It was like bombs were going off in my heart.  I am arguing with the school for this kid who just wants to nap and not do any of his work.  I initially interpreted it as a personal affront.  That sense of loss and sadness just blew up.  Unfortunately the 9 year old was the recipient.

This digressed into a nasty rage filled fight. Where he asserts  I obviously dont love him and I retort that he obviously was never planning on listening to my instructions. Then I was the meanest person that ever lived, and I cant imaging following through with this online school hes waitlisted for because he wont ever do anything but sleep all day.  In the midst of that I realized I was getting caught up.  I was emotional. In that moment I looked across the room and saw his audiobook that was blaring.  I stopped. I wrote a list of exactly what he needed to do and told him that if he was half way done in an hour he could have the audiobook back. Then, I walked away, I established his want, and it was up to him to fulfill that want.

It took about 10 minutes, and he came out and got a snack, then in another 10 minutes he came out and said, "I am going to do my homework first because I want to read the book.  Then I will clean my room"  my response "are you apologizing?"  he confirmed that this was an apology and I apologized as well. We hugged and he began working through his list.  Then my friend offered to bring a video game over so I offered that and the rest of the day was pretty smooth.  I  have to recognize that I created that situation.  I am the adult, I know him and I can fairly readily predict how things might work out in a given situation.

Sooo...why am I not expecting the school to do that as well?  I mean he made it through 3 days of a substitute and then had one incident in a busy lunch room.  As a his mom I want to high 5 him and tell him he rocked those unexpected circumstances and yet I am left to also not be able to dismiss his behavior as it got him suspended.  But then when they say that he ran away from teachers 5 times this week.  To which I think still progress hes not cussing.  He has openly told teachers "F-you" and said he would cut their heads off.  He ran away 5 times as opposed to getting so frustrated with them he uses obscenities but no one notices because he ran away and thats not safe.  Anyhow I digress, thats not actually my point. Still so frustrating.  My point is that maybe I am capable of both.  I can weather the storms and help him have less of them.

There were a number of things I forgot as a parent.  I forgot to center myself before I went to speak with him in the first place, I forgot to go into that room with a plan, and I forgot to let go.  I was never going to get him to clean his room or do his school work by the force of my will, but rather the force of his own will and his own wants. All of this is forgivable, its essentially the crux of parenting, always being on a tight rope over a really excited crowd.  I could have easily just been mad that he wasn't listening and spent my whole day fighting with him and never made any progress, I was willing to shift gears.

A major take away form this is that where the school gives up or exacerbates his fragile emotional stability,  I am able to help him recover namely by acknowledging my own failings..  My child is left to feel unheard and rejected in school, and while they insist its just school policy none of the other students seem to be disciplined. I never hear about other students being suspended, and I feel like I can do better than them.  This may be my own personal act of hubris, but I am diving in. I am going to write a curriculum (which I am capable of doing) and I am going to homeschool my kid while we wait for him to get into online school.

Sidenote.  Please comment and email if you have any suggestions on home schooling I am totally open.

kimmymidnight@gmail.com

Can we Not "Miggery Sow" Taxes. Please

In the children's book The Tale of Despereux by Kate DiCamillo there is a character named Miggery Sow.  Miggery Sow is a young servant who kidnaps the princess for a rat, and believes she is going to become a princess herself the plan was admittedly bad.  This is how DiCamillo describes the efficacy of the plan.

No one would ever, not for one blind minute, mistake Mig for the princess or the princess for Mig. But Miggery Sow, as I pointed out to you before, was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And, reader, too, she wanted so desperately to become a princess. She wanted, oh, how she wanted. And it was because of this terrible wanting that she was able to believe in Roscuro's plan with every ounce of her heart. (36.24)

Mig really tried to go through with  this plan, she really wanted to believe and the Roscuro the rat was also very committed to her going through with it. Remember how Republicans passed a sweeping tax reform a few weeks ago?  Remember that? I have a vague recollection that there was this tax thing I think they were happy about. So if you recall that I don't need to go over all details.  I cant say what the outcome will be but I can say that the GOP cant really talk about anything other then how good this thing no one wanted is.  Paul Ryan continues to tweet how happy we should all be about this. Why is he doing this?  Possibly because he cannot let us for a second forget the feeling of being Mig.  He hopes that he can talk about taxes until he wins reelection.

As soon as the bill was passed, companies started giving out bonuses and the GOP slurped up that propaganda opportunity.  Crediting the passage of the tax bill as the cause of those bonuses and what's good bill it is.  You know how a Dr. gives a baby something to suck on while they get a shot as a distraction. Yeah that's what just happened.  Most of those companies gave bonuses and then laid people off the next day.  Also the bill passed and they gave out bonuses when they wont see the impacts until 2018 tax season.  Again, remember Miggery Sow?  How times do they have to tell us this is what we want before we believe it?


Multiple people have posited to me that we are seeing the success of the bill. "We have a great new tax plan with lots of cuts" they say as an argument to not complaining so much about POTUS. Um, come again?  So anyone who is a working adult understands that what the bill going to in effect on Jan, 1, 2018 means is this when we go to file taxes in 2019, it will be  for the 2018 tax year. So the tax bill is working like snake oil.  I need it to stop this is so painful to watch people argue this, and I know Paul Ryan is like a dog with a bone so he can get reelected before people realize what hes done, but stop drinking the snake oil.  If snake oil is not a relevant reference for you how about stop drinking the Koolaid.  I forgive you if you drank their poison, but the time has come to stop its starting to look desperate.


The reason that they companies were able to give those is....wait for it....they already had the money for bonuses and they were too greedy to pay it to the employees.  The bill could not do anything for them before Jan 1 and they gave out the bonuses in December.  Followed by lay offs.  Once again, everyone got a bonus and they totally shall we say "Miggery Sowed" the whole thing.  Just as they did voting for Trump. "We got bonuses, because of tax cuts, this must be good, this must mean the capitalistic exploitation of our labor has ended"  News flash we have already done this, and it ends in wages not rising, the cost of living increasing and the rich getting richer.  Trickle down economics assumes that the successful people at the top are altruistic, which simply isn't the case.

It would be one thing if there were really no impacts but the truth is where we see the impact is in smaller checks.  since the first of the year what would have been a $1000 check is now $900 for families who have no savings, and are living paycheck to paycheck.   Which makes us even more so Miggery Sow and the first person who pays attention to us seems like they are full of good ideas, when really they are ruining our lives.  They whisper "you want health care? I can refill your pockets" So people jumped on board, but we are experiencing unrest, and if you feel unrestful its not because the GOP is doing such a good job but rather because we are not seeing improvement.

Can we please stop?  It wont hurt to disagree with the GOP.  They got countless letters begging them to not pass the bill, it rewards exporting jobs, and Donald Trump loves it because he will get more money out of it.  The middle ground is disagreeing about the overall terribleness of Trump and current GOP and being able to be real about their success.  Stop touting the success of the tax bill as a means of not admitting we have a problem. Because by-Houston we do have one.

What the Cuck?? (please dont report me)

WARNING!!!  THIS POST WILL TRIGGER CONSERVATIVES!!!  For the liberals reading this, I apologize in advance for using the word "cuck."

"You know what really grinds my gears?" 
When I get called a cuck on Twitter.  I am so confused at the use of the word especially since I am a woman.  I mean it brings me to a full stop.  Why the hell am I being called this?  I usually ask if they know what it means and then get no response. Then I learned a little more about the complexities of the word and my god, its sad and disgusting that people are calling each other that! The use of the word brazenly makes it clear what type of person you are engaged with and also makes it easy to disengage.

 The term literally means a man that was cheated on by a woman.  A cuckold, meaning he was unable to control his woman and she was unfaithful.  Had he been stronger or more virulent she wouldn't have cheated. But beyond, it's that he takes care of the children these encounters produce. So why the revival of this gross word and why am I supposed to be insulted or belittled that some guy on Twitter thinks I am a cuck for saying things he doesn't like?  These guys think that being factually wrong is equivalent to infidelity.  They are so feeble that they need to make other people feel small and feeble, over the Internet.  OVER THE INTERNET!  As though they never had to employ any critical thinking. It assumes first that I care. Hint: I don't. It assumes that my self worth is going to be permeated from some guy on the Internet. Also, I really don't care. I mean you might feel like you owned me by calling me a cuck, but mostly you proved that you are not able to explain with facts why you disagree.  Really, your emotional hijacking turns you into nothing more than a misogynist.

Beyond the actual meaning of the word, there is a whole gross, gross, gross, thing known as cuckold porn. Which, depending on the source, is either porn of men watching their wives or female partner with someone else, or some disgusting racist thing where white men fetishize and shame their partner for having sex with a black man.  So now when I am called a cuck, I have to add "probably racist" to the list of terrible things the person I'm talking to evidently believes in.  Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, but it seems like there's a secret implication when using this word.  Which is that the person saying it automatically assumes I'm as racist and sexist as they are.  Unless, as I often suspect, they don't actually understand the word. Someone used it and then they were like, "that was the best sounding insult!  I think I will fling that word around indiscriminately!  I'm rational!"

The only people that would be insulted by being called a cuck would have to be insecure, racist men, who feel their value lies in their control over women.  Why would women be insulted by this?  Honestly, how would anyone be insulted by this?  It's like watching a man walk around in an, "I'm with stupid," shirt on, except instead of pointing to someone else, it's pointing at his own brain.  How did this become political?

The thing is, I'd be okay with the insult if people would actually use it correctly.  For the most part, though, it seems to be an ego-saving retort designed to shut down conversation, rather than admit the horrible truth of one being fact-checked.  Per my experience, the exchange usually goes as such:

"You know that's not true"
and the response is "cuck"

Every time someone uses that word I feel this gross shiver in my belly and then bafflement. I find the whole thing irrational.  Can white men misappropriate a word that is traditionally used by white men?  If they can then they did.  They made cuck synonymous with dumbass.

I'll admit it: I have an ego.  My ego likes to be right, so the insult is certainly not my go to response to someone challenging my opinion, pretty much ever.  I prefer being right.  I get nothing out of making other people feel small; I like to feel accurate.  However, I am also willing to ask questions. This is also attributable to my ego, because I prefer being accurate over making another person feel shitty. In fact, I pretty much prefer anything over making another person feel shitty.

So I say bring it on. Call me a cuck. It means a great deal more about you than it does me.  After you do that you can proceed to fail to provide factual, relevant, information, then finally recede into your  shroud of insecurity and desperation.  All these guys need is to feel like they have displayed some version of dominance over people with minimal effort.  This is yet another aspect in which we have squeezed out all meaning.  Using a word that doesn't mean what they think it means.  I could sincerely go on about this forever.  I simply can't accept that this is the best these people can do.  

















https://www.publicmedievalist.com/cuck/
https://www.gq.com/story/why-angry-white-men-love-calling-people-cucks

Pants Are Overrated!

I am so psyched for school to start again !! School breaks always start off as a much needed reprieve from waking up in the morning and diving right into battle, they quickly devolve  from there. Tomorrow my kids go back to school and there is a combination of dread over the early morning grind and excitement thinking of the quiet house I will have for writing, cleaning and things staying clean, not wearing pants... yes that is a perk to the kids not being home. 

So what will my day look like?

First off in the morning we will start off in a flurry of conflict.  

"Get dressed", "take your lunch", "again, you need to wear pants", "turn off the TV, you're still not wearing pants."  You get the point, my morning is going to be unpleasant and without food, or coffee.  I am going to glide through the driver drop off and hand them their coats and their back packs as the teacher leads them away from my car.  There is a moment of zen here, where I feel like I can take a deep breath and anticipate the upcoming day.

I will smoothly and quietly drive home, listening to a podcast that is not child appropriate, as opposed to the audiobook for Harry Potter. When I arrive home I will certainly abandon my pants because I can do that.  Then I will make eggs with spinach and sundried tomatoes and do some writing while I drink coffee.  This is going to be beautiful.  Then I am going to binge watch something on Netflix, while I fold laundry.  That, wait for it...will get all the way folded without a child to rolling on it.  Just writing that paragraph made feel so much excitement.  

Not only is this going to be a quiet productive day.  When I show up to get my kids I will be happy to see them.  I will be eager to hear what they did and what they have been thinking about.  My 6 year old gives the best and most genuine hugs and my 9 year old usually starts off with ridiculous stories. Oddly I am finding the more distance I get from my kids the closer we get.  I was reading a study that says we actually spend more time with our children than any other time in history.  Personally this makes sense when I think of the experiences I had being raised by a single mother who worked full time, overtime, and sometimes a second job. I missed out on those relationships, I want to be around my kids, BUT, forgive me for saying this....kids are not all that likeable for prolonged periods of time.

I will miss their chatter at some points during the day. However I will miss them and realize that I am drinking coffee, and not wearing pants.  My house will stay clean for a whole day!  I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! I hope everyone finds a way to get a day like this on occasion.

Why I am Asking for a Source.

You know how doctors hang their licenses on the wall?  You know how in any given situation you want a person to be credentialed, or informed about what they are doing? I often see posts on social media about how people want to have educated, civil discourse.  This is one in a series of posts that will help us achieve that goal.   One of the most frustrating things is when people jump into a thread with emphasis on how wrong everyone is and then they refuse to validate their own view points with a source.  Our ideas are products of influences that we then interpret and synthesize.  If you really want someone to hear you, you should be able to provide the platforms you are getting those ideas from.
 Given that you know something better than anyone else, you read it, or heard it yourself, it wont be a far stretch to google and link the source so the person you are attempting to have an educated discourse with can then interpret and process and provide sources that they derived their ideas from.  That's what educated civil discourse entails. No insults, no refusal of sources that are valid, no refusal to provide a sources.  If this is not the kind of interaction you are looking for, move along.  You don't actually want an educated civil discourse. Here are some steps you can take to decide whether to cite a source.

Source Citing

When someone asks for a source it means they are attempting to have a discourse but need to know what information you are working from. I never ask for a source out of condescension, though that is frequently the response I get. Or told to google it myself.  The reason you are being asked for a source is to explain where you derived your idea.  Why you personally think that you are asserting factual information.  

When considering what source to provide to help deepen the conversation here are some good sites that will help you determine what is an is not a good source. You look at the publication, the author and compare with other sources.  There is a lot of fervor about bias media, however bias is not as troublesome as its being made out to be.  the facts are what matter.  The bias is just what the person presenting information feels about the information. We are all free to make inferences as to the meaning of the information. 

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/588/02/

https://www.texasgateway.org/resource/determining-validity-and-reliability-sources-english-iii-research

Break down of the various new sources. 

Next we have the problem of where the information is coming from.  This really is dependent on your views.  There are a multitude of charts on the Internet. The one above is  one I personally found helpful. There are about a million of these.  I would move MSNBC more center,  the New York Post and Washington Times more right.  So the next time someone shares their source of information, think of this before you refuse to accept it.  Instead put on your critical thinking pants and look at what they have provided for you.  Ask questions. Explain why you disagree all without demeaning or belittling the other person

If You Cant Do These Things.

If you cant do these things. You may need to reassess your perspective.  Walk away take deep breaths.  Even if you are not coming from a place of inaccuracy you are unwilling to engage your critical thinking skills in a way that allows you to even provide a source.  I dont know you. You dont know me.  The internet provides a level of anonymity that shrouds us from consequence and judgement. 

Personally I am always seeking a deeper and more full understanding of things, I ask questions. I google everything.  So maybe some pieces. Thats not threatening, I am not going to be offended at being wrong. I might even admit that I am wrong. Being wrong isn't synonymous with not smart. The need to insult is all your own ego. You might think I am being arrogant but seriously the number of times I have been attacked on social media only to be denied any facts to back up their ideas has left me frustrated and annoyed that anyone pretends they want to have an exchange of ideas.  

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Paul Ryan

 I am writing to implore you to be more thoughtful in your pursuits.  I can see that you are under immense pressure and possibly everyone hates you.  However if you paused and listened to constituents as people as opposed to treating them like petulant children you may find more success.  I have tried to contact you through other forms but this seems like a better idea.

I am going to take this one step at a time. Feel free to share this with colleagues. I just have a few ideas on how you can both be less despised and feel like you are making decisions you can live with. While the rest of us live as well.

1. The Federal Poverty Line.

Reassess it. 

The Federal Poverty line is too low.  As a family of 4 making 50,000 we barely make it.  We can purchase groceries, and have all basic needs met.  However we have no savings.  If for some reason my husband were injured it would have dire consequences on our lives.  We have insurance we cant actually afford to use and I have a disabled child so I dont work.  However according to the federal government, I and every other person I know that is struggling should be fine.  We aren't, please raise the federal poverty limit and consider different criteria for determining needs. The current poverty line says a family of 4 is around 24,000.  That's too low.  Raise it provide more access and people will be able to stabilize economically and do all the bootstrap pulling you think they should. 

2.  Dont Even Think About Touching Food Stamps

Too late you already did.

1/8 families in the U.S are in food insecure households.  The discount market I go to is always packed with people pawing the items for expiration dates.  People will starve to death without that program.  We will quickly stop being the land of the free and the home of the brave and instead become the land of the hungry and the home of the sick. Aslo why WIC!? What do you have against babies? 

3. Heres How that Tax Break will Actually Help Me. 

It wont.

So I see all sorts of things being thrown about on how much people will actually get back as a result of the recent tax overhaul.  Anything from 7000, to 700, with a about a million addendums in between.  Heres the thing. I dont care about taxes.  It wasn't what the people wanted, we want healthcare and President that we could meet without calling us fat or stupid or grope us.  Tax overhaul is what you wanted.  Nice job civil servant way to serve.  Anyway I am going to break down some math.  

I have commercial insurance: its about 20$ out of every check.  My children are on CHIP .  So they currently aren't paid for by my premium.  Its another 40$ premium to put my kids on insurance.  

40X4=160

160x12=2400 

My son sees a therapist twice a week. That's 2 $40 copays every week.

40x2=80

80x4=320

320x12= 3,840 

So whatever your tax plan is supposed to net my family has already hurt it by not continuing CHIP.

This is assuming that my current plan covers behavioral health, oh and vision  because my son wears glasses. My husband is a Veteran who woks 50, 60, 70 hour weeks, while I take care of my kids.  Taking them to therapy and school.  On top of that I work part time. and we somehow are going supposed to feel like burdens on the system, and think that whatever menial amount of money we get from not paying taxes is going to make up for the immense burden of paying for something we already struggle to afford, 

In the end that's $6240 more than I currently spend so the tax bill is a numberical wash at best,  as well as an actual increased burden without CHIP and also the Social Securtiy and housing threats are problems. I have never met you and you are actively taking a wrecking ball to my life. 

4. About CHIP 

Fund it. 

Dear lord and Jesus just fund the damn program. The message cannot be that there are ever forceful ploys to force women to have babies and also to force women to watch those children die.  What kind of human being even debates this program there is no reason  (unless you are working for Medicaid for all) to let it toil.  These are working parents who otherwise cant afford healthcare for their children.  Not a single argument about welfare programs can be applied and while I have a full bodied belief in social safety nets, I also just cant see what the ploy is here.  I dont want to believe that your view is to let people die. JUST GET THIS DONE!

5. Childcare

Its Expensive. 

If you cut food stamps and Medicaid and medicare and gut public housing.  Please socialize chilcare as I for one will have to take in my father and father-in-law and have to attempt to work full time in hopes that they can care for my children.  Since you hit Social Security in the tax overhaul I am assuming they wont have much to contribute in terms of monetary assistance. Public childcare would be super helpful in that regard.  Though I dont want my kids to be socialized to be Nazis so I am not all in on my faith in the federal government. 

6.  About the Nazis  

We Dont like them.

NO! Not a thing that should be happening.  The vote in the U.N., Charlottesville. Donald Trump.  All bad.  Please stop focusing on the bullshit tax scam and save the country thanks. Maybe you would feel like you didnt have to retire if you didnt also feel gross every day you let this continue.  You are the speaker of the house.  You are the leader of the House Republicans, you are an actual republican.  You can do this.  

7. Trump Appointees

Stop Confirming.

Until it is clear that Donald Trump is competent enough to appoint federal judges and White House staff please stop approving them.  Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos should not have any hands in the cookie jar. Not to mention Jared and Ivanka.  What is going on? Stop willfully appointing people who are not equipped for their jobs. 

8.  I Will End it Here

Though I could go on.

With the repeal of net neutrality, and the tax bill passing, and all the other "exciting" things you have been up to you are overlooking this huge elephant.  You can choose not to fund CHIP and still the people that were on it wont have money for it.  You can take people off of food stamps and they wont have money for food. You can take away housing and people will simply be homeless.  I know people throw around their perceptions of people receiving public programs but mostly they are hostages to the state, and taking away the services doesn't make their lives better, it leaves them sick, hungry and homeless. Why the poor.  Why is everything being defunded?  How much money do we owe Russia? My god. 

There are a million other beneficial things you can do that wont result in the killing large swathes of the American people.  Show some empathy.  Who says those poor starving people take too much those children get too sick, why dont we take everything away while we make 200,000 a year and have stable un-impacted benefits.  You could comfortably live on 100,000 or 150,000 and subsidized travel home.  Congress is stirring rage I otherwise calm people.  

Perseveration vs. Echolalia

Perseveration 

Perseveration is repetitive thoughts.  If you have ever met a person who cant stop talking about a band, or knows everything about a specific war?  What about someone who cant stop thinking and talking about a perspective or new partner?  All of these are of course beyond the typical.  We aren't talking about just the basic overly interested person either.  My son for example can weave Minecraft into literally any conversation, and explain how it fits into his view of the real world.  

Perseveration on more personal events can be challenging.  Having one negative interaction with someone can stick and come up in a festering way that makes it challenging to forgive people. For instance he had a fight with another child in the neighborhood 3 years ago and every time someone mentions that person now. He then has to talk about how they fought, and how the kid was really mean that one time.  This will go on for a long period of time. This also happens with new friends, with events such as my grandmother dying, or moving to a new house.  

Perseveration is symptomatic of autism but is also seen many other mental illness.  Namely OCD, however evidence shows that perseveration has different functions in OCD and autism.  So do not assume that because someone fixates on something and cant stop talking about it they are autistic. There are other causes of this behavior    

Here are some helpful links on perseveration. 

https://youtu.be/yUEoRK8TbJM

Echolalia 

Echolalia is essentially repetition of words.  Its similar to perseveration in its obsessive and rigid presentation its purpose is not the same.  I am now beginning to think that my sons cussing is more likely echolalia rather than perseveration.  Echolalia is a natural part of learning speech, and since children with autism tend to not learn speech as much through social interaction it is a large component to this learning.  Echolalia is way for people with autism to script their language.  The video I have connected with this is post from Amethyst does a great job explaining the purpose of this behavior. I always start with the assumption that my son doesn't want to scream obscenities at people but lacks the tools and self regulation not to. He is trying to communicate his feelings in the most effective way he knows how.

The weirdest thing is that he never babbled.  My son started speaking in sentences at around a year old.  He was mind bogglingly fast to learn things.  But over the years he has adapted his own sounds.  When he was bored he would click like Perry the Platypus, when hes excited he does this shrill sound that's somewhere between a scream and a squeak...like air brakes.  

My son will when he is stressed repeat the word B***ch until he falls asleep.  When he gets really upset he yells cuss words.  What I am beginning to see is that maybe its a stress reliever to do so.  I thought he was perseverating on the words but as I understand echolalia better I think that is what is happening instead.  Replacing the words, or explaining why people wouldn't like it doesn't seem to work.  All the tools I have to help ease his perseveration into manageable thought patterns doesn't work.   But it wouldn't right?  

Really I am sure someone will read this and ask why I am not just seeing the cussing as a behavior problem. I would say aside from his having and ASD disorder, that I don't see a difference.  Behavior problems are stemming from a response to the environment, kids and adults like to make their environment respond to them and need to relive themselves of those types of pressures. So I personally knowing my son and how embarrassing the cussing episodes are believe there is an involuntary component but also that doesn't actually matter to me in terms of dealing with the behavior.  The goal should be to restructure the environment so that he doesn't need to to yell cuss words and helping him adapt better coping mechanisms. 

Some Helpful Links on Echolalia

https://youtu.be/ome-95iHtB0

FUND CHIP

Update: I wrote this nearly a month ago.  Congress passed temporary funding for CHIP, but not permanent.

Mine and 9 million other children are on CHIP insurance plans.  CHIP was a separately funded  plan for parents who don't qualify for Medicaid but cant afford to put their children on commercial insurance.  Beyond that I could put my children on insurance and not be able to pay for them to go to any Doctor ever.  They both require specialists, therapies and inhalers.  What Congress is doing is a moral travesty.  Unfortunately as of late that doesn't seem to be what concerns them.  Congress seems incapable of making a decision based on its moral implications and more leaning toward the donors that line their pockets.    

A few states predict they will reach the end of their funds before January 1st the majority wont make it much past January.  By September the last state will be eking out the last of their funding.  There is hope in places like Colorado that the state will carry the costs, and the program can continue despite loss in federal funding.  What about places like Kentucky though?  Can places that are not thriving economically still care for the children? What will be the ultimate line drawn for Congress?  Will this be the same long haul as gun laws?  I am afraid it will as long as congress doesn't suffer they wont see it as an issue they are responsible for.  Here is a promise. My children will not suffer in silence so that the GOP can get rich and feel like rulers of the universe. What if their children were on CHIP?  Would they be dragging their feet like this?  I think not.

The thing is that a large number of children receiving Medicaid and 100% of children on CHIP come from homes with working parents.  So what's the message, you cant work hard enough for helathy children?  We only care about ourselves?  We are moving past the morally ambiguous arguments about drug addicts selling their food stamps, which I also find invalid just FYI.  We are in the realm of saying that hard working Americans are still not hard working enough to reap the benefits of their taxes.  I am angry and exhausted of opening Twitter or Facebook, or watching the news day in and day out only to see the safety nets that allowed America to be prosperous being dismantled so we can what build a wall, have tax cuts I have never heard anyone care about?

What does it say about the government that they are writing tax exemptions for owning a private jet but not willing to provide medical care for children.  I would hope that at the end of this tunnel There is a new system that is better than this one. That someone smart enough and socially conscious enough will materialize and change the game. As of now Paul Ryans statement that they are also going to roll back funding for Medicaid and Medicare, and another statement about the SNAP program,  makes this situation all the more hopeless. Its like Paul Ryan and Mitch Mconnell have no idea what people are surviving on.  My family gets by on about 3600 a month. But we don't have savings and anything less leaves us to really struggle. 

I am making it a point to bring up CHIP funding everyday.  I email Senators and Representatives, tell others to ask about it at town halls.  Tweet at various people.  I am not going to sit silently and let this just happen to me and my children and neither should you.  There is no need.  Why these programs? Why doesn't congress take a hit.  50,000 a year for 528 people is 26 million dollars.  

My last thought is that this is not and should not be a partisan issue.  The health of, children, elderly and poor is not about what political party you are in but rather what kind of person you are.  Please do the right thing.

  

Sources:

https://www.macpac.gov/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Federal-CHIP-Funding_When-Will-States-Exhaust-Allotments.pdf

https://www.cbpp.org/research/federal-budget/policy-basics-where-do-our-federal-tax-dollars-go

Gone Girl?

*Spoilers*

I am reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, and I am feeling incredibly conflicted.  Mostly I am enjoying it but I cant decide if its supposed to be ironic, or if it is overtly anti feminist.  The movie didn't help me in the least. Ben Affleck starring in it is obviously also somewhat perverse and didn't help my unease.  Watching him suck on the nipples of his mistress, and have gratuitous sex scenes that do nothing to drive the plot, and thinking about Harvey Weinstein, Ben Affleck, Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, etc. etc.  That just makes me feel icky. The other factor is that I know Reese Witherspoones production company made the film and it was with the intent that it was supposed to be produce strong female roles.  I just don't see it. The story is still a woman using her womanly wiles to manipulate people.

The trouble is that despite the conflicting feelings I'm having, I still liked the book. The movie was a big no, but the book was good.  Gillian Flynn has developed interesting characters, and taken a dysfunctional relationship to the extreme. Nic Dunne's internalize misogyny is on point. The thought patterns dominate the story, that Amy controlled everything, that she expected him to notice what she liked or remember the stories she told and he has justification for his inability to do those things. The inattentive man and the angry woman who cant just leave her husband despite hating him.  I just cant.

  Perhaps its only me, however who feels like the archetype of the woman deservedly scorned is dangerous. I also thought this in Mad Men.  The way Betty and Megan Draper are terrible and whiney and Don is the one cheating and lying to them. Nic Dunne is the worst and yet the story had to be written so that he was the worst because Amy was so bad.  There is valid point that they as a couple are the embodiment of consumer culture, and the depiction of the long suffering Midwest that Nic and Amy are what's left when all stuff and the house are gone.

The trouble is specifically in the current culture.  The woman who says that she has been raped, or her husband is beating her, is depicted as a liar.  Which is exactly what Amy Dunne has done in the story.  What I am conflicted about is this, is the story depicting the absurdity of women doing all these things to men. Showing how psychotic she would have to be to do them, or did Gillian Flynn use these tropes as plot device?

Am I uncomfortable with a woman being staged as a villain? This is absolutely possible. But I'm ok with Cerecei Lannister, so for now I am going to put a pin in that conflict. Do these tropes matter?  I come to the conclusion that they probably do. I don't know that a woman staging multiple rapes, domestic violence, or pregnancy, to be spiteful, even as a display of the absurdity isn't harmful to women who are actually experiencing those things. As long as the reaction is that women must be lying the making light of the absurdity will be lost on anyone who believes the latter. Women are constantly forced to accept brutalities they suffer to be weapons, don't cry rape, or he just needs help with his anger. Amy Dunne falsifying rape with the top of a wine bottle not only never needed to be depicted but, it also leads one to believe that woman would do that to herself out of revenge.

The movie never needed to happen.  It is pretty bad in my opinion.  The rhythm of Nicks inner monologue, alternating with Amy's journal entries doesn't play onto the screen, they fail to really show  the misogyny of Nick or make Amy seem as likeable as she is at the beginning of the book.  Lastly they left out all a lot of female characters that made it clear Amy was a sociopath not a scorned wife. Instead they left the part where she lied about rape and left everyone else out.

The one thing I can say is that I enjoyed the contrast of Amy the person and Amazing Amy the character.  I think its not only a gendered relevance.  Parents do this to their children frequently. We see them one way, they behave another, and then we either amend our vision of them as people, or create a delusion of them without their flaws.  Girls and women though are supposed to be perfect, they are supposed to be chaste and then marry, and then reproduce like rabbits.

Give Group a Chance?

I have been contemplating going to a support group for parents of children with autism.  The thought crosses my mind while I drive from OT, or the psychologist.  I just don't know that I want that.  I spend my time, at therapies, and consoling violent melt downs.  Going to a group and talking about how hard that is, just seems like the last thing that could help me.  Instead I go out with my friends, I listen to audio books and watch too much television. Mostly all fine, accept when I am kept up wondering about the future in ways that no one else can fathom.

First off, I am not the super together type A. soccer mom.  I feel sort of out of step with other moms. I am shy to make friends based on the sole motivation that our kids play together.  What if they stop getting along?  What if I don't get along with her, and now our kids are best friends?  Also being a chronic over thinker, makes me sort of awkward.  I mean imagine going through the process of talking to a mother about how your child told hers that he was "going to be forced to kill them" before you plan the play date.  I am both present and distant in every moment.

So today after a week in which we have had to talk to the police, and my son has been yelling obscenities at his teachers.  9 Dr. appointments, 1 trip to the ER, and a meeting at the school.  I am driving home, I am thinking about my sons future, and wondering if I am doing more harm than good. How long I can sustain this unemployed, waiting on my child lifestyle.  I am imagining my son screaming that he wants to die at his principle.  I then think of the gridlocked pained looks I get from teachers, and I think I need to go to a group.  I need to look at someone and say "I am not sure my son will ever be a fully functioning adult." and not be met with a look of sadness and "he's so smart, your doing a great job. you have to believe in him" it stings, it crushes me.

The big thing holding me back are summed up in,  it sounds so exhausting.  I am always second, or even 5th. Whether it be a dentist appointment, a job, a pair of shoes without holes, I am never #1.  A support group would be one more thing in the long list of ME things that I don't get.  My son is not like a lot of other children with autism, so it can feel like I am screaming into the void, he's not just quirky, and he's also not totally non verbal. Most of what I experience gets relegated to disciplinary arguments. "you should spank him", or something along the lines of he's just being manipulative.

All of that aside.  I have never tried, so I need to set my own tendencies aside.  I need to trust people, and not judge them so harshly.   I am going to find a support group.  I am going to go to more than one meeting.  I will be open minded.  I will resist my tendency to be cynical and judgmental.


Please comment if you have experience with support groups, please leave a comment about it. Follow on Twitter as well.

And a Happy F***ing Thanksgiving to You Too.

Its Thanksgiving.

I am so excited for the holiday, I get to spend days bonding with my sweet children, playing games and doing quaint family outings.  Establishing traditions and feeling nostalgic of my childhood.

This means I have to be fake festive and make decorations because my kids really want them, and hope that these things stave off the miserable arguments that are guaranteed to stem from one being too happy and the other being off schedule.  I am also going to try to get together with other moms to no avail only to find that I am either not that liked, or I am liked and maybe my kids are not.

The prospect that I am not ok with watching TV all day for a week was the first fight.

Waiting for turns on the computer was the second fight.

The wii sensor bar was fight # 3

Eating was fight # 4

Finally I gave up and let them watch TV.....so upcoming fight will be the TV has to be turned off.

I anticipate a "why do we have chores fight" and a "why are we too poor to go on vacation tirade"

So...I have 3 days of this 1 day of "there are too many people" and "I'm not hungry"

Then I get to spend the evening with people I don't even like with not enough alcohol, for a holiday I find very conflicting.   Since I have been a vegetarian for about 6 months now I wont enjoy the only part I like.  The leftover turkey sandwiches. I may have to give myself that because otherwise what is all this for? I mean really every bite of turkey I take makes me think about how many Native Americans died, and slavery, and Donald Trump, and all the false American symbolism.  Then I feel guilty because I love food, and I love most of my family, but I have to wonder what am I encouraging my kids to believe in?  I mean are they going to feel as cheated as I do by the legacy of lies?

Then there is also the cooking.  All the cooking that I am only mediocre at, and costs a whole week of groceries.  I thought the Puritans were poor. You mean to tell me that they were starving, they came together with all kinds of food, and fed themselves and the natives?  Yeah, sure. Now its spend almost a weeks worth of grocery money on one meal your going to share with everyone and think about how thankful you are for all that you have.  I am only moderately grateful, and I feel less grateful when I feel how one holiday cripples my budget.

This post is becoming a tirade on my anxiety about the holidays.  Just so we are all clear not everyone enjoys Thanksgiving, and not everyone has pleasant lengthy vacations with their children who are angels,  Some of us have pleasant moments sprinkled between nauseating tension. So be sure to bring good wine to dinner and don't pick fights with your politically opposing family member.

Like a Small Nuclear War

When my son was 6 and diagnosed with autism.  The Dr. told me that I would be fighting for him forever.  He said "a mild developmental disorder is like a little nuclear war" people hear high functioning or mild or any other diminutive term and think no big deal.  The reality is that it is still a very big deal. A little disability is still a disability, and a little neurological disability still impacts all the things that make a person who they are.  How the world looks, how they sense pain, and process emotions.

I have had a horrid week.  I have had appointments every day, I have had meeting with the school. I have had a police officer at the door asking about my sons outburst which I explained was a panic attack.  The officer left dumbfounded that he had been called to do a well check.  He has slept the afternoon away in school 3 days in a row. I now know its because he is spitting his anxiety medication out into water.  For goodness knows how long, long enough for him to totally fall apart that's for sure.

That little war in his brain is there when he's frustrated, or overly happy, when he is tired or hungry, sad, or feels slighted, whether real or imagined.  All those devastating misfires color his life.  Whether it be a misinterpretation of a face, or hearing a firm voice as screaming.  Even being happy is over zealous, like a shaken 2 liter spouting in your face.  He is never just your average kid, hes the smartest, or the meanest, or the funniest one.  This creates great hurdles in getting people to take me seriously, they cant picture that he might end up screaming at them or curling up in a ball on the floor.  Only why would I say that if it wasn't possibly going to happen?

When people meet him he is the most engaging child in the room.  I take him to school, or camp, or a sleep over and I say "he has autism, he has meltdowns.  He sometimes says cuss words obsessively".  I get brushed off , told how fine he will be, how smart he is. The outcome is inevitably that I get a frantic call or furtive glares as he has actually done one of the things that I had tried to tell them he would do.  When someone tells you a truth that would be hard to admit to, maybe its true, maybe its not cold cynicism but rather their unkind reality.  The consequence of thinking that parents are always excusing their child's behavior with a label is that the child is in turn held to expectations they will never be able to meet.  Time and again my attempts to take a step back form my child are devastating.

Imagine you scout out a new school, you meet with them, say my son has autism, they look at his assessments, assure you that they have all the things that are needed to meet his needs.  They show you the class room, they tell you all sorts of things that they can do for your child.  About a 2 weeks in he has a complete melt down, he attempts to run away, says inappropriate things to other students.  Does the school consider his disability valid? Do they account for it in his behavior?  Do they accommodate the behavior?  No they are, shocked, just shocked at the severity of his reaction.  The psychologist explains that he is displaying anti-social aberrant behaviors.  Just imagine how much you would want to scream! They literally look at you in awe and say "he didn't even know the name of the child that he struck"

I want to be a million other things, but I don't get to have a job, I didn't get to finish my bachelors degree.  My child has a nuclear war in his brain, with mushroom clouds, and residual radiation and a daily reshaping of the universe. It is inescapable.  All I really want is to know that someone else out there in the world is willing to accept that reality.  As he rounds the corner into being a preteen, I am beginning to be plagued by what the future looks like for our whole family.